When his body did indeed turn up in a parked car out by the airport, we all feigned surprise, claiming we thought the party was just an elaborate ruse. After all, who announces his own suicide and then actually goes through with it?
AMY QUAN BARRY • ISSUE 2
Richelle showed Carla how to pull back the foil from a ham and sell it. “The foil’s your panties, the ham is your puss,” Richelle said. Richelle never smiled. “I sell the most hams.”
WHITNEY COLLINS • ISSUE 2
Hannah #1 was my wife. She got tired of being married to me and asked for a divorce.
Hannah #2 was a girl I met on an online dating site. I said, “You’re Hannah.” She said, “My name’s Rebecca.”
Hannah #3 was a stripper who saw a therapist in the same office as the therapist Rebecca recommended after my failed and somewhat creepy gesture on the beach.
Hannah #4 was an ER physician at the hospital where they life-flighted Hannah #3. She put on scrubs and rushed into the operating room and tried to stabilize Hannah #3, but her EKG looked like the equalizer at a Slayer concert.
KEVIN MALONEY • ISSUE 2
Breathing through his teeth, he struggled to force the trap’s jaws apart. Once they began to open, he felt the teeth pulling out of his flesh. The pain rushed back again, and he had to resist letting go. Finally he managed, hands shaking, grunting, to withdraw his foot. He held the jaws spread open a few seconds and then released both halves at once. They snapped heavily shut.
BRIAN EVENSON • ISSUE 3
The three of us did molly and coke until 5 a.m.; I proposed a threesome, Jeanne went to bed, and then the III and I went to the roof and talked about what it would be like when I became famous. We went back to his house and I gave him a blow job and he came on my face.
ANNIE HAMILTON • ISSUE 4
I’VE NEVER HAD A BLACK EYE … …and i want one. i need bruises for a photo project but i also want to see what it feels like. i dont need any roiders here or knockouts just a solid sock to the face. thanks. compensation: idk $35–40? i wasnt really gonna pay a lot for this, but we can discuss. must not have ebola or a problem hitting a girl.
JONATHAN ESCOFFERY • ISSUE 3
I peered through the cracks in the wooden panels of the wall next to me and saw Marcel’s butt, white and hairy, moving up and down. While I was thinking that I’d never be able to wipe this image from my mind, I saw him pause and hand a bill to the woman he was with.
JEAN KWOK • ISSUE 1
After running the numbers, I realized that my drivers’ odds were far better than I might have expected, with just one in four turning up dead on the side of the road. I wondered if this was normal—all these dead drivers, all these spoiled meals. One night I got drunk and found that, on average, 918 delivery drivers die on the job per year. A little under 1% of this year’s fatalities had occurred under my directive.
CHRIS VANJONACK • ISSUE 4